San Onofre, California
“Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up despite the struggles.” – Sharon James
Behind the lens of this peaceful image, my eyes felt puffy and heavy. They watered and burned with fatigue despite the refreshing, soul-cleansing breeze that offered the promise of a beautifully clear day on the California coast. My husband and I were enjoying a few days away in a little beach cabin with our two-year-old, Julianne. She and I were up before 4:45 that morning in the thick of yet another extended and stubborn stage where she refused to sleep through the night. All the same, she decided bright and early was still the best time to start each day.
As the sun was rising, breathing its glory over the beautiful expanse of the ocean waters, the image above ignited a hopeful warmth within me that I desperately needed. I cherish this picture not because I’m a great photographer or because the stunningly picturesque scene is representative of our day to day. In fact, it is far from the perfection the picture paints, which is perhaps in part why I love it so much. It reminds me to embrace the power of perspective as I walk through the doorway of 2017 and into a new year.
At the time it was taken, waves of inner turmoil were swirling within me, crashing upon the shores of my motherhood experience as the challenges of the last two years caught up with me. The sweetness of that beautiful early morning interrupted the force of those tides making me wish time could stand still. Or at least last long enough to soak it in, allowing whatever truth was meant to breathe life into me that morning to find its place, nestling somewhere deep and untouchable within…A place where I alone could access the peace I felt, with the ability to tap into it in the next instance of feeling frustrated or pushed beyond my limits. Oh to pluck a petal from the serenity blooming that morning, to tuck it safely away as a magic token to keep me from boiling over at the next “mama moment.”
In the many months leading up to the beach getaway, as a stay-at-home mom, I’d been feeling stuck in some version of Groundhog Day with the continual lack of sleep and the same daily battles in which I struggled. I frequently fought voices of self-doubt that made me question that perhaps, I didn’t have what it takes to tackle motherhood in stride, and that I just wasn’t measuring up. I felt plagued by the fear of, “what if I’m not enough to give her all she needs?” Whether it was the inability to soothe her, get her to sleep or on a schedule as an infant or a toddler, or the constant battle with the mammoth strength of her will, things continually felt like chaos as we tried to navigate life over the last two years. My patience frequently frayed faster than I could keep up with often leaving me feeling lost in a sea of directionless, fatigue-laden inadequacy as a first time mom. I felt awful when I would become short with her and lose my temper. At times it seemed I was in an unrecoverable cycle of frustration I felt locked into with my own sleep deprived shortcomings.
I would love to say that I was comfortably able to keep steady pace with the rhythmic dance of perspective and the intrinsic long-term rewards of investing so completely in motherhood. Instead, I felt worn down and discouraged. As much as I love my Julianne and wouldn’t trade being her mother for the world, the struggle within was great regarding the day-in, day-outs of it all. To top it off, when I was really honest with myself about the depth of that struggle, I immediately experienced a heavy shot of guilt over my feelings. (We’ll save the topic of mom-guilt in all its splendor for another blog post).
How easy it is to get stuck in the hard stuff – the daily grind, the frustrations, the fear that perhaps, “I’m not enough.” Every mom will tell you motherhood is not a constant flow of mountaintop moments that leave us feeling empowered and sure of ourselves all the time. Rather it’s the collection of moments in-between that drive us, challenge us and grow us on a daily basis that make those highs possible. We often come face to face with the discrepancy between the intense desire to be the mom they deserve buttressed up against the depth of our imperfections and utterly human limitations in navigating territory that’s new at every corner. As Harriet Lerner once said, “Feeling inadequate is an occupational hazard of motherhood.” I’m inclined to agree this is absolutely a common struggle amongst moms – perhaps it comes with the territory. However, I’ve come to the realization that the last thing I want is to find myself living in a place where feelings of inadequacy constitute the filter I see my world through or operate out of, as normal as those feelings are in the realm of motherhood. I have a choice in it.
As I walk through the doorway of 2017, I’m pursuing the peace that comes with perspective, two companions I’ve found to be inextricably bound together. I’m choosing to accept my shortcomings with grace and focus on welcoming growth instead of the guilt that accompanies the pursuit of perfection. I’m choosing to shed the feelings of defeat and discouragement that are often bred by placing my focus within unrealistic expectations. This stage in life is hard but it is oh so beautiful when we allow ourselves to step back, breathe, enjoy the view and realize it is enough to love our babies with fierce abandon, even if not in perfection.
We can breathe a little easier with the knowledge that as hard as the “little years” are and as lost as we feel at times, they won’t last forever. Both the joyful, shining moments that validate our efforts and warm our hearts, and the incredibly difficult ones will pass before we know it. For me, recalibration is way overdue for the new year. I’m choosing to channel the energy I was inadvertently dumping into replaying all the moments I missed the mark and instead pour that effort into loving my daughter, however that looks at the moment. Refocusing that energy makes space for more patience and perspective, and the peace that comes with the freedom to fail at times. It frees up more room for growth instead of guilt, and the ability to rejoice in the hope that offers. May we embrace together the joy there is to find in these tough but tender years and remain hopeful and aware of the beauty that lies in the growth we experience within one of the most wonderful things God gives us: the precious gift of motherhood.
“In raising children, I have lost my mind, but found my soul…” – Lisa Shambrook
*As we start the new year, I wanted to say thank you to all my family and friends who have encouraged this novice blogger, supported the starting of Food Soul Motherhood, and provided some great feedback regarding directions to take it. That being said, in addition to recipe posts, Food Soul Motherhood will be branching out by incorporating more diverse post themes this year such as DIY projects, topical posts, and others, without packing in a recipe on top of it. I love hearing your comments, thoughts and feedback, so keep it coming!
*Special thanks to Modmacro, the web design and digital marketing company who has provided excellent tech support, formatting assistance, and direction with branding. I’m truly thankful for your services!